My Floating Red Couch

(500) Days of Summer (On Goddesses and Weenies)

2012-01-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

Some men romanticize love....and take their frustrations about its imperfections out on the women that have the misfortune of finding themselves in a relationship with these these men.

America's recently divorced girlfriend, Zooey Deschanel, is the eponymous Summer of (500) Days of Summer, and she is too damn cute for words: hip, stylish, and appropriately pragmatic in the ways of love and life considering that she is in her 20's, a fan of The Smiths.

Joey G-L plays Tom Hansen, the awkward emo protagonist that is too self-absorbed to see that the reason his g/f doesn't like him is because he's too self-absorbed.

The (500) Days of Summer are the epoch in which these two know each other: from the day that they meet to the day when Tom meets his next g/f.

Through that time, Tom pours over every little detail about the nature of their relationship, and constantly worries about how she's treating him. Theirs is a relationship doomed to die, not because of fate or because sabotage, but for reasons all together more chumpy:

Summer is a sophisticated, grounded, beautiful, old-soul, cute chick with savvy.

Tom is a weenie.

Weenie

Weenies have no experience. Etheral hipster goddesses do. Weenies can't deal with that. And the goddesses end up moving on.

Like, seriously, think about it Gordo -- did you ever think that she doesn't like you because you keep trying to force her to make a decision about liking you? It's like when we tried to force our 3 year old son to use the can: the more we pressured him, the more he wanted to run the other way, until finally he just pissed on the floor and talked shit over us whilst we woolited it up!

Weenies need validation: Zooey Deschanel needs $2000/month for clothes.

People love (500) DOS. I was less smitten. I don't think Joey G-L is jives with me, every time I see him, I think of DJ Connor's friend George. And so it weirds me out a bit to see him shtuping Zooey.

She's waaaay too good for him.

Peter Pan (1953): What makes the Red Man red? How about cultural insensitivity, you racist bastards!

2012-01-11T09:50:00.000-08:00

So, my son is now 3 years old and a sucker for movies. Especially swashbuckling type movies. Or movies with talking animals.

I decide to show him Walt Disney's Peter Pan, because he likes whimsy, he likes sword play, and he finds pirates to be scary-but-impressive.

About 30 minutes in, I had to explain to him that the label "savage" is not appropriate when describing the Indigenous people of the Americas. And then I have to tell him that these Indigenous people have several distinctly rich and diverse cultures over hundreds of nations, and were spread throughout the land with symbiotic success for hundreds or even thousands of years before the European settlers arrive in the late fifteenth century.

I had to explain that the word "How" was a Eurocentric term used as a catchall "Indian" word, and has very little basis in any Indigenous North American nation's vernacular. But, in actuality, it is an instance of European society subjugating the culture of the native people. Just like calling the Indigenous people "Indian" (they're not from India) or "Native American" (they were on the land before it was called America). Let alone "savage", "barbarian", or "primitive" (all terms used by the young British children in Peter Pan).

I had to tell him that the term "Red Man" is insensitive and a misnomer: the Indigenous people's skin is not red. In fact, their skin tone is as varied as their cultures and an adaptation as a result of several hundred generations living in particular regions of the Americas (and their skin has certainly not been altered because once a boy kissed a girl, and became so flushed that his genetic code was altered, and he passed the over stimulation on to his progeny until all members of all nations were darker). Some of the Indigenous have lighter skin color, some have darker skin color. Because, as Morgan Freeman sez in Robin Hood, "Because Allah loves wondrous varieties."

I'd also like to point out that my usage of the word "Allah" (twice now) has officially put my website on a government watch list -- yaaaay!

Also, Tiger Lily is totally not an Indigenous name. If anything, it's a Cantonese name.

I told him all of these things, he looked at me and said, "Pie-wits are sca-wee!"

"Yes, son," I said and patted him on the head. "Pirates are scary, indeed."

I suppose I'll have to work extra hard to protect my children from the white-washed evil of the 50's.

Garden State (a digression into my complicated relationship with Natalie Hershlag)

2012-01-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

Here's my theory on Garden State -- Zack "the" Braff hadn't done anything that showed him as moody and deep up to this point in his career, so he wrote a movie where he's a manic depressive returning to New Jersey for his mom's funeral after an unsuccessful run at acting in LA. Can you get more moody and deep than that? Oh yeah, and his dad's his psychiatrist.

So, in GS, Braff is the Jewy Jersey Young American. Ian Holm is his conspicuously English dad (that's weird, right?). Peter Sarsgaard (Kinsey's boyfriend) plays the Braff's goofy local friend. And, the blond Designing Woman, Jean Smart plays a GILF whose boyfriend works at Medieval Times, played by the dorkiest guy from Big Bang Theory. (I don't know how I know that, I don't even watch that show). And Natalie Portman ......

Ah, Natalie Portman --
I so have waxing/waning emotions towards dear Miss Hershlag.

She used to be totally hot, but then she was all bony in Hotel Chevalier. I mean, I was able to see how totally skinny she is (major rib cage) -- plus she looked like she didn't know how to smoke but she was smoking like a Waco compound. So she fell out of the category known as "my type".

I know, a beautiful, exotic yet all-American, smart, and rich: what the fuck is my problem, right?

She's an awesome actress, of course. I mean, now that she's an Oscar winner, she's definitely in Mira Sorvino-territory. So, she's pretty good.

But, once she filled out a bracket for an NCAA pool I was doing in 2005, and she never paid, and when I tracked her down, she was all, "Oh, I didn't really mean to bet, I just wanted to fill one out for fun." Which is bull shit because you know if she would've won, she totally would have come to collect -- her Final 4 was good, you know? But she took Louisville but . . .

I digress.

So, anyway, Garden State has a thing going on -- it's sort of annoying because it doesn't really differentiate itself from other hipster rom coms where all the people are smart but awkward, and they like to do quirky stuff like have conversations in empty bath tubs and ride around on motorcycles with the little side car.

But, Natalie is way cute and good, and Ian Holm -- I'm still tripped out -- but Bilbo's always good.

O Holy Night

2011-12-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

Making Christmas

2011-12-22T10:36:00.001-08:00

Scrooged (or Scroogey Claus)

2011-12-20T11:03:00.000-08:00

Bill Murray is at his best as arrogantly dead-pan, existentially acrimonious, and aloof. In Richard Donner's 1988 Christmas Carol-inspired Scrooged, Bill Murray is acrimonious, he's aloof, he's arrogant, but he's not dead-pan, which takes away the warmth that he usually generates in his humor.

And, that lack of subtly and nuance seems to be Bill Murray's source of power.

Don't get me wrong, Scrooged is quite enjoyable. Everyone in this film in a person that you know and love. John Forsythe plays the Marley-character Lew Hayward, David "Buster Poindexter" Johansen is Christmas Past, Carol Kane is Christmas Present (whose number one talent seems to be that she is the spritely and cute fourth stooge) and Alfre Woodard as the Cratchit-parallel Grace Cooley.

In this story, Francis Xavier Cross is a TV exec for IBC, a station assholey enough to be doing a rendition of the Scrooge story live on Christmas Eve. $40 million will buy you Buddy Hackett as Scrooge, Mary Lou Reton as Tiny Tim and the Solid Gold Dancers as...Well, as the Solid Gold Dancers with Christmas Wreaths.

Cross is not a nice guy, somewhere along his climb to the top, he became obsessed with success, to the point that he destroyed his relationship with his very cute girlfriend Karen Allen -- who promptly disappeared after this movie came out. At the top, he is cold, calcuating, and cheap -- he fires Elliot Loudermilk (Bobcat Goldthwait), days before Christmas, for offering a dissenting opion, and he doesn't pay his assistant much, despite the fact that she's a single mother with 1,000 kids -- one of who has not spoken a word since he saw his father killed.

And then ghosts, Christmas spirit, blah blah blah blah. The real highlight of this flick is supposed to be Bill Murray and all the delightful people that surround him. But the great Bill Murray has so little charisma that I am instantly annoyed by him whenever he shows up on the screen. And then, when he becomes Scrooge-as-as-changed-man at the end, he is just crazy annoying. Like, instead of clicking his heels and buying turkeys and shit like that, he, instead, interrupts a live broadcast, stuttering and shouting and ranting about feeling good.

I mean this is the kind of rant that would be featured in Cracked.com's Top 8 Most Insane Live TV Occurrences. And it's not coherent in any way. It's not a practical rant. It's just diatribous and weird. But, in the perfect Richard Donner world, everyone gathers 'round the crazy person and starts singing and dancing.

The Hebrew Hammer (Shalom, Mother FUCKER!)

2011-12-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

One spoof that Mel Brooks never did was a take on Shaft and the Blaxpoitation genre in general.

The Hebrew Hammer sort of takes a Mel Brooks style, puts it into a blender with the Blaxpoitation genre (only, since it's about the Jewish people, might be called the Jewsploitation, maybe?), add a touch of menorah candle and holly and hit puree until you get something not as good as National Lampoon's but better than those weird (insert genre here) Movie movies.

Santa's (Richard Riehl's) son Damian (Andy Dick) orchestrates an assassination of his father so that he can become Santa. His first order of business is to stomp out Hanukkah, because nothing threatens Christmas more than Hanukkah, right?

The Jewish Justice League, led by JJL Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal (Peter Coyote) catches wind of the plot. The chief assigns his daughter Esther (Judy Greer) and Mordechai Jefferson Carver aka The Hebrew Hammer (Adam Goldberg) to get to stop Andy Dick Santa's evil plan.

There's good and there's bad in this flick. Originally produced by Comedy Central, this was obviously a movie designed as Saturday afternoon filler during the holiday season. Goldberg is fantastically nebbishy, neurotic, and ropey enough to be kick ass. This is also the only movie in which I've found Judy Greer even remotely attractive --

As a man married to a Jewish woman, I have to say that once you go Yenta, you never relenta

--Plus, fantastic cameos by Nora "Yes She's Still Alive!" Dunn as a Jewish mother, both Van Peebles (Mario as the Kwanzaa rep and sidekick to The Hammer, and Melvin as Sweetback), and our favorite African American dwarf Tony Cox.

The jokes might be a little inside, I get the majority of my knowledge about Jewish people from my wife's family and from Jackie Mason, but they're funny. And considering writer/director Jonathan Kesselman's last name is Kesselman, I assume that the jokes are spot on.

The annoying parts --

I can go the rest of my life without hearing Andy Dick phleming out the word "Hanukkah" over and over again. In fact, because I am still irritated by it, I will never ever watch this movie again.

Also, we get it. Circumcized Dick applies to both a Jewish Private Detective and a penis that has had the foreskin removed.

And, to reiterate, Andy Dick is neither clever nor wacky. He's just plain fucking annoying.

SNL Christmas Past '90 (On Moische, On Herschel, On Schlomo)

2011-12-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

My favorite SNL Christmas skitch is definitely Hanukkah Harry (Jon Lovitz). Before 1990, there were some great SNL sketches.

Tonto, Tarzan, and Frankenstein sings Christmas Carols.

Out of sight.

Tell Jimmy Kimmel to suck my ballz

2011-12-14T09:35:00.001-08:00

A Christmas Carol (2009) (Jim Carrey's Dead Eyes)

2011-12-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

Robert Zemekis seems to have a hard on for the technology that made Andy Serkis an "actor" only instead of using "actors" he uses actors like Tom Hanks or Jim Carrey -- the latter of which is his choice for Ebenezer Scrooge in this version of A Christmas Carol.

A Christmas Carol is hard to mess up. Every year, another version of it comes out, and 95.3% of those version have used the same....exact.....script.

Which is like 200 years old.

Zem-Dog, the Republican James Cameron, rightly figured that this motion-capture thingy would apply itself very well to the Dickensian story. Unfortunately, the technology fails to give all the Jim Carreys (all of the Scrooges, and Christmas Past, Present, and Future) living eyes and heads that don't do that weird upper half rotates slightly on the lower half thing.

Scrooge is my favorite classic Christmas story. I think its the ghosts. Also, 9 Year-Old Ruben performed in a Sunnyvale Community Players' stage rendition of Scrooge, The Stingiest Man in Town, in which my chubby little ass did two dance routines and wore false sideburns applied with spirit gum.

Anyway, Bob Hoskins, Colin Firth and Sid Vicious played Fezziwig, Fred, and Cratchit respectively. And Tiny Tim still dies, until he doesn't.

Oh Sid Vicious also played Marley, Spirit not Jah, easily the scariest and best scene.

The movie looks great -- sort of like a Victorian painting: grungy and weathered. Also, Jim Carrey lends himself well to MoCap. Getting everyone to play all the parts strikes me as kind of bush league. Am I the only one that thinks it comes off about as polished as that production by the Sunnyvale Community Players. All in all, tidy enough with a bit of a cartoony aspect (what would you expect from Disney?). But, however you approach this flick, whatever you think it is going to be -- whether you're skeptical or you're optimistically excited -- it will probably fulfill your expectations.

Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas (or Dueling Banjos)

2011-12-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

For the first 11 minutes that I watched Jim Henson's 1977 TV "classic" (?) Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas, I thought that it was a commercial for Massengil.

"When are the beavers going to start bathing?" I shouted at my LCD, as I sat on the edge of my seat listening to the fifth consecutive hillbilly song.

The tension is too much, and I pass out from lack of interest and too much paint thinner. Not sure I awoke, but I do remember the toot of rhythmic moonshine jug, the soft wail of a dying cat, and shaggy, hairy, wet beaver.

I came to just in time for the closing credits and all was clarified: Produced for Canadian Broadcast Corporation. The CBC is the exact station that would put Winter's Bone-for-the-animal-kingdom on the air at Christmas. There are some things that Muppet otters just shouldn't do, and a dramatic interpretation of how methamphetamine is manufactured and distributed is one of those things.

I mean it's Christmas for Christ's sake!

But, it's all for the kids, so.....

A Charlie Brown Christmas (or The Moping Tree)

2011-12-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

That little tree gets me every time.

Charlie Brown is such the Charlie Browniest kid in the world.

Not a real Snoopy-heavy Peanuts episode, in fact it's varies a bit from your standard Peanuts -- they tend to be very episodic and subplotty, like the comic strip, A Charlie Brown Christmas tends to lean more towards a single journey: Charlie Brown must learn the meaning of Christmas, beyond it's modern over-commercialization.

Through his pining and journeys, and after a kind of weird God-detour, Charlie Brown figures that he can find his answer in the restoration of the world's last living fir tree.

And of course, everyone at some point calls him a blockhead or stupid or a douchebag or a fuckwad or whatever pops into these kids' heads.

Aside from the religious detour into the Bible story, A Charlie Brown Christmas may have the most heart of any of the classic Christmas TV specials. I know it ranks right up there with The Grinch for me.

The Spirit of Christmas (Dude, Don't Say Pig Fucker In Front of Jesus)

2011-12-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs Santa) is an episode of South Park that was originally released as an internet viral video (I first saw it my freshman year in college, it got passed around the dorms like hippie head lice). I don't know the specifics, but I think that this video is directly responsible for South Park being developed as a television show for Comedy Central.

In this particular The Spirit of Christmas, Jesus returns to Earth for one last final show down with Santa Claus. They fight Mortal Kombat-style, Kenny dies and eventually everyone understands the true meaning of Christmas -- presents.

This is the first recognizable episode of South Park, but it is not the first Stone/Parker venture, nor is it the first Spirit of Christmas.

This The Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs Frosty) is primitive compared to the above video, but it still has many of qualities that exist today in South Park. Except Cartman is name Kenny, and the Cartman-like character dies in addition to the Kenny-like character.

Merry Christmas, stoners.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) (aka Retroactive Grinch)

2011-12-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I was going to write a second entry, but I read my first entry and thought it was too perfect to add upon. Enjoy --

Classic Couch (<-click the link)

A Michael Bublé Christmas (or What's Up with Michael Bublé?)

2011-12-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

What's up with Michael Bublé?

I mean, what's up with his hair? Does he ever frikkin brush it? Just look at it...

I'm too busy to brush

...It looks like my hair cut. Difference is, Michael Bublé (aka the self-proclaimed hardest working man in show biz) is like a millionaire or something and I get an $11 hair cut from the 45 year-old Vietnamese woman that works in her garage down the street?

I mean, really -- does anyone else think that Michael Bublé looks like Harry Connick Jr.'s retarded little brother with a hare lip?

Open it now! It's your crushed dreams.

A dude, the accent mark over the e in his last name? What the hell is up with that? Piss on that accent mark! Do you know how hard it is to include an accented-e in a blog you're typing with an American QWERTY keyboard? For real, man!

And what's up with the Michael Bublé Christmas special (A Michael Bublé Christmas)? Is he really that great a singer? I don't think so. And all these celebrities want to sing with him?

it's so cute when a Bublé and a Bieber frollick in the wild. Don't attempt to aproach them during mating.

I mean seriously

What THE FUCK is up with Michael Bublé???

American Dad: Rapture's Delight (or A Whole Bouquet of Oopsie Daisies)

2011-12-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

When American Dad was only Seth MacFarlane's other animated show on Fox, it seemed as if nothing could bowl over the raunchy steam train that is Family Guy. But, Stan, Francine, Hayley, Steve, Claus, and Roger have become more of a testament to MacFarlane's comic brilliance than the Griffins.

The characters are not far-fetched (talking fish and alien aside). The comedy is organic and germane to the story and to the characters. And the situations are as relevant to the situations of American life as anything else on the networks.

"Rapture's Delight" is AD's first Christmas episode. Whilst attending church on Christmas, Francine (Wendy Schaal) pulls Stan (MacFarlane) into the slow janitor's room for a quickie. When they re-emerge, the rapture has occurred and Stan and Francine have been left behind.

In his panic to get raptured, Stan insults Francine, who, after an estrangement, 2nd Coming Jesus (Will Forte). Years down the line, Armageddon has left the Earth ruined. Jesus tracks Stan down to save Francine from the Anti-Christ (Andy Samberg). Stan, one-eyed and a mercenary demon hunter with a hook, asks his old friend Roger (MacFarlane again) for transport.

the Anti-Christ is surprisingly easy to kill. Actually, he's kind of a weenie, which runs counter to what the Omens have taught me. But at least he's got big goblin guys shooting guns for him.

The transitional art in this episode is fabulously comic book, the humor is schticky, but more low-key than normal.

Naked Hayley (Rachael MacFarlane) is somehow less attranctive than I had thought....

...it's the bellybutton ring....

The Nightmare Before Christmas (or Gothic Santa)

2011-12-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

The Tim Burton-produced, Henry Selick-directed gem called The Nightmare Before Christmas is proof that Tim Burton is a genius, despite his recent track-record.

The curly, gnarled landscapes and fantastically weird score by Danny Elfman (who also sings the part of Jack Skellington) are so wonderfully Gothic, and when applied to the normally vanilla joy (TM) of Christmas, there's a sense of fish-out-of-water beauty to the existential aspect of Halloween.

The story goes that Jack the Pumpkin King (Chris Sarandon) is depressed by the same ol' same ol' of Halloween. He discovers Christmas Town, ruled by the "dreadful" Sandy Klaws, and his spirit is renewed.

Also features Catherine O'Hara as Sally, William Hickey (forever fabulous, rest in piece) as Dr. Finklestein, and Otho as the Mayor Swivel Head.

Specialization -- that's the ultimate theme in Nightmare. It's better to specialize and take joy and pride in one thing, rather than gloss over several things. Obviously, a man, town, and community that's sole purpose and reality is to put on a terrifyingly wonderful Halloween is going to struggle to find the "meaning" or "spirit" of Christmas.

In his "Town Meeting Song", Jack tries to explain the basics of gifts and stockings, only to be met with the citizens on the town applying moribund perspectives to these things. In order to grasp their imaginations, Jack has to describe Santa Claus as a giant lobster with powerful claws.

The movie transitions into "Jack's Obsession", a song through which Jack is pining over the components of Christmas -- performing scientific experiments on mistletoe and such -- while the town sings "Something's up with Jack/Something's up with Jack".

Of course, Jack's Christmas -- which involves kidnapping (Santa), attempted murder (with monsters that are delivered down chimneys), and illegal transfer of human remains (heads in boxes) -- is an utter failure. And it's not long before he's shot from the sky by some of the U.S.'s smartest bombs. But, in his failure, Jack renews his interest in that which he does well -- super scary Halloweening.

Aside from Tim Burton's most imaginative settings, Elfman's songs are catchy and brilliantly choreographed within the story by Selick. The flick is the missing link between Christmas and Halloween that no one knew we wanted but, sicne its release, everyone realized we were missing.

Married With Children: It's a Bundyful Life Parts 1 and 2

2011-12-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up, Married With Children was off-limits. My mom thought that it would warp my fragile little mind.

I've had a TV in my bedroom since I was 8, so Sunday at 9, I'd sneak away from the living room and turn on the brand spanking new Fox TV Network.

"It's a Bundyful Life" is a two-part Christmas Married from 1989, and when I think of Married With Children as an abstract, the still frames from the episode are what pop up into my mind's eye --

Sam Kinison as Al Bundy's (Ed O'Neill's) guardian angel holding an empty flask, screaming at God for leaving him on Earth dry.

Not pictured: The older one's mom (she's still making her way in)

Three old ladies keeping Al a little too late at the shoe store on Christmas Eve so that he gets to the bank minutes too late and disappoints he family again; also, as he is literally a minute late and a dollar short, he sees Marcy Rhodes (Amanda Bearse) photocopying her ass and pass out drunk.

Al's angel shows him what life would be like if he wasn't born, and Peggy (Katey Sagal) is married to Norman Jablonsky (played by Ted McGinley, only a year or two before he would be introduced as Jefferson Darcy). but Bud (David Faustino) and Kelly (Christina Applegate) are still the kids, and are totally happy.

Al's reason for living? To spite these people who have made his miserable life miserable.

"Bundyful Life" is the id of Married -- it is the episode (or 2 depending on your definitions of episodes) which shows you how a family of such dysfunction continues through their lives of continuous disappointment.

Merry Bundy Christmas!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

2011-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Rudolph of 1964 is a classic, but its edges are tattered and it's astoundingness is waning. As with any kid's media these days, I gauge how effective it is as a medium for entertainment by my 3 year-old son's interest.

The Boy was excited to watch RR-NR because I built it up and sang the song to him. The Burl Ives snowman (who the hell is Burl Ives again?) appeared on screeen, and my boy's face immediately twisted as he realized that this was some old ass show that didn't look anywhere close as slick as the CGI epics that he is used to watching now.

And singing? What the hell is this singing?

Personally, I have an affinity for the quaint, down-right primitive attempt at simple children's television programming. Though, I understand now why I am a little fearful of Santa Claus. The guy is just a dick in RR-NR. From the moment he tells Donner that his newborn buck's is a weirdo for having a glowing nose, to the point when he blows off his elves who have just composed and performed an orginal song about how awesome Santa is...

How could you be so cruel to Needlenose Ned?

...to the moment that he once again tells Donner that he is a shame to his family and the entire North Pole for having a fucked up son.

And, the Island of Misfit Toys, a land filled with a bunch of goofy toys that have no place being delivered by Santa, contains a Charlie (instead of Jack) in the Box, a squirt gun that squirts jelly (instead of water), and a doll that's ..... got red-hair?

F-f-f-f-freak!

I love the song "Silver and Gold". If you listen the lyrics, you realize its a song about how since silver and gold are the most important things on Earth, they make tree gorgeous so make your Christmas look like its made out of gold

Ev'ryone wishes for silver and gold
How do you measure its worth?
Just by the pleasure it gives here on earth.

Anyway, the post-modern abstract weirdness of Rudolph is enough for me to keep coming back year after year.

Quote of the Day NyQuil Edition

2011-12-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

"I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking Christmas!"

Denis Leary, No Cure For Cancer

Tragic Endearment

2011-12-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

Good grief

Santa Claus: The Movie (or: The North Pole Great Slave Rebellion of 1985)

2011-12-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

Santa Claus: The Movie is a movie I fondly remember from my youth. And by "fondly" I mean that I saw it as a 6 year-old in 1985 and even then I thought "God damn this movie is schmaltzy in an unsettling way".

Director Jeannot Szwarc, a man who peaked with Jaws 2 and should not have been given a job after Supergirl, delivers a nuanced piece of shit about how Santa (David "Jeff Lebowski. The Other Jefferey Lebowski. The millionaire" Huddleston) came to be at the North Pole and was bestowed upon by Mickey the Elf (Burgess Meredith) the ability to fly reindeer and manage a shop of toy-making hobbits, which include stupidly named Patch (Dudley Moore), Towzer (Jefferey Kramer), and Puffy (Anthony O'Donnell).

Nice Hobbit-sized accomodations

The real challenge is keeping them working despite only providing food and shelter. The easy part comes from the fact that they made their own prison and invited their slave master to boss them around. It's like when Saddam was "elected".

Look at the fear as Patch asks,"Please, Santa -- we get so cold at night. Won't you let us turn up the heat?"

Well Hobbit Patch was not ready to go quietly into that good night. Rather than put up with Santa's tyrannical dictatorship. He packed up and walked all the way to New York City -- a journey that, if Superman 2 and Santa Claus have taught me anything, takes about 6 minutes so long as you flag down a trucker.

Patch meets a kindly old toy entrepeneur, BZ (John Lithgow), who fell on some unfortunate legal troubles. And worked with him to develop and manufacture a lollipop that allows one to fly. The goal is for Patch to show Santa that he too can break into people's house, steal their baked goods, and leave a little "memento" under their slowly dying foliage. Only Patch was not leaving blunt instruments and mechnical pieces of wood -- he was leaving reality-morphing candy that has not been approved by the FDA. For FREE! to boot.

such a happy man

But, BZ, being human, on the verge of retirement, and susceptible to the pitfalls of celebrity, does not keep his pro-bono business model post-Christmas. He desires a small and tidy profit for his product, to offset the rent of the toy factory that he still must pay despite his entire workforce being one hobbit that only eats sparkling hay and candy canes. This sea change in the free market is enough to make Hobbit Patch uncomfortable, and want to return to his home of non-profit toy production.

Meanwhile, Santa faces the real world implications of competition. He meets a gay homeless boy (Christian Fitzpatrick) and his red-haired, rich beard (Carrie Kei Heim) in the embryonic stages of their lifelong co-dependent realtionship (think Will and Grace as 12 year-olds). This homeless boy fulfills Santa's desire for contact with children, rather than being a secretive sneak thief.

Plus, the boy, being a tramp and a thief himself, finds himself precariously imprisoned and offer Santa the perfect opportunity to do a needlesly reckless aerial manuever that risks the life of the poor red-haired girl, the Hobbit Patch, the poor homeless boy, and all of his reindeer.

seatbeltless sleigh, BTW

All in all, this sordid tale has one moral -- If you are going to use slaves to make products for literally billions of children (or at least millions of gentile children), it is only unethical if you charge the general public for the product. If you want to give it away for free, then that justifies saving costs on labor. It also gives you a moral high ground through which you can rightfully use to consolidate an international trust. After all, a not-for-profit international organization can rightfully exist outside of all labor and free market laws and rules.

I told you, boys -- If I remove the chains, you'll run away.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (naked old elves)

2011-12-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not one who will automatically take my pants off and start to grease the ol' North pole simply because I've encountered a fantasy/thriller foreign Christmas movie about a homicidal Santa Claus trapped in the ice over the Russo-Finnish border. Though, it'd be a decent bet that I would do so.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is cute. Hell, it was damn near whimsical. I freaking hated it.

I guess I was looking for something more akin to the moment where Hannibal Lector bites the dude's nose and tears off his face and then goes out and starts kicking major ass, Yule Tide-Style.

What I got was more along the lines of someone adding Little Miss Sunshine to that part in the Walking Dead where they're all hiding under the cars as the herd of Walkers staggers by.

Don't get me wrong, I like Little Miss Sunshine, and I like The Walking Dead. I also like peanut butter, and I like pepperoni. But I don't like either of those groups paired with one another.

The short films are better, they remind me of something that Kids in the Hall would've done. And that's awesome.

Anyway, there's no Santa. There's only naked old men that kill. There are so many of them and they don't kill with any sort of urgency. Come on guys, it's Christmas -- you only have one night to kill.

Quote of the Day December Edition

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

"I don't want ta!"

Ralphie, A Christmas Story

The Muppets (Every Muppet Meme since 1978)

2011-11-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

When discussing a thing as self-referential as the Muppets, one must give a marginal amount of leeway to exactly how much a movie must tow the line 'tween substantive meme and fantastic slap stick (or otherwise) narrative.

The Muppets are a franchise, a pejorative, a cultural icon, contributors to the American lexicon. They are still present as institutions of comedy, education, and comfort. Even through weird new voices.

And the Jason Segel-scribed film The Muppets does not try to hide the place that the Muppets hold in the popular culture.

It begins, as so many Muppet movie do, in a small town with lofty and naive ideals. It continues into the big city where the weight of society has imploded all spirits and dreams that had once thrived there. And it ends with a Muppet show. Along the way we

meet television comedic star after television comedic star through cameos (Jack Black, Chris Cooper, Sarah Silverman, Alan Arkin, Rashida Jones, Bill Cobbs, Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, Jim Parsons, Kristen Schaal, Donald Glover, Mickey Rooney, NPH, Selena Gomez, Whoopi);
Are told over and over again that the Muppets don't translate to modern society anymore (I never realized that they left);
are introduced to new strange Muppets (Walter, the gigantic blue thing, the Conan O'Brien Muppets);
and experience quite a few song and dance numbers (Gonzo's chickens cluck the "Fuck You" song by Cee Lo)

But, there is a gigantic, fantastically obvious distinction between this film and past films by the Muppets. One that will endear this film to people like me who remember the show more fondly than the movies. And yet, the one quality which will prevent this Muppet movie from launching some reingratiated comeback amongst the kids:

This Muppet movie is self-aware, and, what's more, all of its gags are basically rehashed jokes from the Muppets' salad days.

The Muppets: Always good for a "piled in a car" scene

In our quest to make children's movies that are appreciated on a different level by grown-ups, there are two types of films: we have films like Nemo, which are interesting, simple, visually stunning, and filled with common slapstick that kids will love; and we have films like The Muppets, where the story, the setting, the jokes, and the characters are all meant for the grown-ups, and hopefully since half the cast is a Muppet, kids will sign on to.

But, no matter how many Jason Segels or Amy Adams or Jack Blacks you put into a movie, kids wants something that is fantastic -- not fat, plain and cross-eyed. My son likes Muppets from Space not because of the Muppets, but because of the space ships and dazzling lights. The Muppets compliment that fantasy.

While I can sit and appreciate the Manamana song or some knock off Fozzie saying "waka waka", my 3 year old son was immediately bored. Hell, the plot is directly from Muppets Take Manhattan (sort of), which I thought was a quaint touch, but I only found it neat because I can draw those parallels. Metas only work in those who think abstractly.

Children are not going to accept something simply because its made out of felt and on a big screen. They don't get a "Travel-by-map" button, because, quite frankly, to an 8 year-old, a reference to Indiana Jones might as well be a reference to Battleship Potemkin.


Dramatic effect is lost on a toddler

So, while old fogies like me constantly bitched when some goofy Pirates Muppets or Space Muppets movie came out, talking about how it's no Muppet Show (that was the shit right there!), we have to remember that those Muppets weren't made for us, they were made for the primary demographic, and who gives a shit if we like it.

One thing that being the father of a kids' media consumer has taught me is that my enjoyment of the Muppets, or say Caillou or Dinosaur Train, is not what's important. What's important is keeping the damn kids occupied for a little while so that I can do the freaking dishes!

Anyway, good news: The Muppets -- very enjoyable for those born between 1969-1985. But, you can wait for video. Bad news -- don't expect your kid to be totally on board.

------

Let me also add, as an aside, the death of Jim Henson is really what took the franchise out of its salad days. Without Henson, the Muppets are knock offs from here on out. Especially since they are now owned by Disney Corp and all of its evil subsidiaries. I don't care what Rogen/NPH-related cross-eyed fella is writing the script.

Ghosts of Mars (I continue my mission to absorb every John Carpenter film)

2011-11-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

God, Ghosts of Mars is so terrible in all of the right ways.

OK, we have a movie about a Mars colony in the future that's been overrun by Martian ghosts that possess the inhabitants of the colony.

And so, what do these people look like?

Extras from the "Thriller" video

But that's ok, because John Carpenter doesn't need gimmicks like cool looking aliens to satisfy his audience -- fie on the 4.8/10 rating on imdb. All JC needs is an ass kicking blonde (Natasha Henstridge), a wise cracking thug (Ice Cube), and another wise cracking thug (Jason Statham) -- plus plenty of others to die along the way (all the rest).

Oh, and throw Pam Grier's head on a pike, and we got ourselves a quality flick.

You see, what John Carpenter does better than anyone else is that he gives you a premise that is totally boss, he gives you a setting that's totally weird, and he gives you monsters and magic. And then, once you're hooked, he turns the whole thing into knock down, drag out, street brawl with big ass guns.

Big Trouble in Little China is and will always be my favorite Carpenter and possbily my definition of a perfect film. Ghosts of Mars is a Jack Burton and Lo Pan away from making it onto this very steep pedestal in my head hole.

Sure, GOM is stupid, but so is They Live and Vampires and even the popular apexes of JC's career The Thing and Halloween. But GOM has something that not many movies have and that is the ability to continually change direction and keep you hooked.

It starts on a high speed train on Mars (that line alone should hook anyone with a head for sci-fi), oh and the conductor is none other than Lewis Skolnick himself, Robert Carradine. Talk of a prisoner transfer of a man name Desolation Williams. The hot blonde is a druggie, and the curvy middle aged black lady is a lesbian.

How much freaking awesomeness exists in the last paragraph that I wrote?

When they arrive at the town, it's deserted, except for random body parts tucked into crevices, and shiny, sharp thingies hanging from the roofs. Now we're trying to solve the mystery of the empty town. Very quickly the situation disintegrates.

The town is not quite empty, its just that the ghosts of an alien, war-like tribe has possessed the town. It is now a kind of primitive cult where the "people" file their teeth, wear body parts, and only shout and kill. Their weapons are super sharp axes and throwing discs and spears and junk. Also, the language sounds something like this, "RAH! LA LA LA LA!!!!!" And when you kill one, the ghost jumps out of that host body and finds another one.

There's more, but I hate recapping.

It's not like I'm going to go out and buy GOM (unless I see it for $2 in a bargain bin ... which I may), but I do think it's a quality sci-fi action flick for anyone that is a fan of the genre. A worthy member of the Carpenter Canon.

Body Snatchers (1993) (or Pod People, Pod People; taste like Pods, look like People)

2011-11-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

"Where you gonna go, where you gonna run, where you gonna hide? Nowhere... 'cause there's no one like you left."

The above quote must have been the quote that Body Snatchers director Abel Ferrara wanted you to take from his 1993 remake, if nothing else. The way that Meg Tilly's Carol Malone delivered it was so drop dead fucking awesome, the scene would have stuck in my head craw for 1,000 years.

Meg "Not Jennifer" Tilly, her absence from the modern film industry has left a large, weird hole in our lives

Just to emphasize the line's awesomeness, Ferrara decided to distort the line and use it as a voice over on the last shot of the flick -- a burly-looking Army man in front of cloudy sky distorting the sun.

Carol Malone sez these words to her hubby Steve (Terry Kinney), a very liberal-like civilian doctor who just got onto base to test some sort of something that the Army is covertly doing.

This shot stolen from Top Gun

So, obvioulsy, to stress a point that might not have been made in a movie about pod people assimilating everyone on an Army base to be part of some alien hive mind, Body Snatchers wants you to know that the era of free thought and free expression, individuality, is ending -- and the epoch of the joined consciousness and anonymity of a military state will destroy all notions you have of a liberal utopia.

Oh, and Forest Whitaker and R. Lee Ermey also have that argument right before Forrest Whitaker shoots himself.

How is it that both R. Lee Ermey and Forest Whitaker are in this film, but Terry Kinney is the lead?

But the star of this show is the very young and very beautiful Gabrielle Anwar as Marti Malone, the unfortunately named but awesomely naked daughter of Steve.

(Well, briefly naked, but naked nonetheless and always beautiful)

Great range

This film is not a good film, but its not an unenjoyable film either. The early 90's were a great time for sci-fi. Still a Republican society, still without Tipper Gore's censorship on media, and fit snuggly in a nitch where the effects are still archaic and awesomely progressive in technology.

This pod people version is not unlike the more classic pod peoples, but it is quite obviously inferior to the more classic Invasions (1978 and 1956), and it is not nearly as cool as The Faculty and Slither. But, they're all good in one way or another.

awww, not the cool chick int he leather jacket too?!

In the end, they're all flicks about being trapped. Trapped by circumstance, trapped by society, trapped by popular culture, trapped in isolation, trapped by common sense.

A good pod movie makes you feel claustraphobic. Body Snatchers '93 is not as successful as the others in the subgenre, but it works on a Saturday night at 1 am, and that's all that matters.

Skyline (It wasn't so bad)

2011-11-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

As evident from my multiple posts on the M. film Signs, I have a soft spot in my heart for alien invasion movies.

I also enjoy V, Independence Day, all of the Pod Peoples (especially The Faculty), even all of The War of the Worlds (though less so in the most recent incarnation because I can't comprehend how a man trying to protect his kids decides to hide out in the basement of the first screaming bumpkin they see with a rifle in the air).

Plan 9? Oh yes. Killer Klowns? Why not.

Mars A-frikkin-tacks! YESSSSSSS!

So many alien invasion movies, so little time.

And, when I first saw the trialers for Skyline way the hell back in 2010, I thought that it looked like it had potential. A little Independence Day, a little The Matrix, and, after watching, I could add a little Night of the Living Dead.

But, the first reviews that came out were horrid. Even people that I generally have somewhat of an inkling of a respect for declare the movie a stinking pile of monkey poop covered in fetid swamp water regurgitated by an opossum. (I saw that quote somewhere....can't remember who said it. It might've been Ebert.)

So, here I was, Saturday afternoon with the boy napping and the girl squealing and giggling self contained on her playmat. The dog snoozing. The Huskies still five or six hours from kickoff. And Skyline is on Netflix instant stream.

OK, 1.5 stars be damned, I'm going to watch it.

Hey, I don't know where all of the venom comes from. I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Donald Faison is Eric Balfour's movie (?) star buddy visiting LA because its cheaper for the directors The Strause Brothers (Colin and Greg) to shoot down the street from the studio.

Also, the film features two nobody actresses (her and her), General Garza from The Expendables, and the chick that plays the tranny in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

So aliens show up in downtown LA. And they like to suck people up and use their brains as a source of power or something. And the above nobodies are in Donald Faison's (somehow-not-quite-as-large-as-you-would've-expected-for-a) movie star apartment the day after a party.

They can either leave and get sucked up and debrained or that can hunker down and eventually get sucked up and debrained.

We get a sampling of both options, and there's a lot of helicopters and explosions, which I didn't expect. But,. hey, you save money using Doanld Faison and Eric Balfour (a man I have not personally seen since Texas Chainsaw Massacre), you can afford to use a lot of explosions and big ol' CGI cave trolls from space.

All of the other garbage was sort of side bar to the alien invasion stuff, but I'd say for a sci-fi action flick, it was clean enough, without all of the burden of social meaning. I am duly impressed, and will make it a vow to not allow the star rating system cloud my judgement.

The only things that bugged me: massive amounts of slow motion shots and it seems like every alien is slimy and sucks things into asome sort of vaginal like orifice. What's up with that?

----------------

On a more serious note:

The star rating system on Netflix666 is flawed, but it does have some benefit. For example, there's a movie called The Legend of Bloody Mary, a flick that sits at a solid 1 star on the Floating Red Couch's Netflix guide.

This film is an immediate black flag to me, as I've never heard of it or any actor in it before (not even top-billed actor Paul Preiss, if you can believe it) and it has one whole star to its credit on the account of a guy that watches and likes a lot of movies about ghosts and junk.

So I click on the link and, oh yeah., here's what the titles look like.

Now I'm all for hastily thrown together titles using the fonts supplied to you by Windows Movie Maker, but this is a movie that is god-honestly being thrown up to you by the evil geniuses at Netflix666 as a bonafide film.

But, it's not a film. It's a couple guys in LA who make money as gaffers and PA's on pornos, using their boss's equipment to make a junky little garage move and selling it to Netflix for $6 and a 12 pack of Lowenbrau.

Now that Netflix doesn't have Starz, we're going to see a lot of these films, and the only thing that will point them out is the rating and the lack of name talent. I generally get about 4 minutes into the movies, when the use of copyright free score stops being funny and the first Star Wipe makes an appearance, and then0 I leave the lobby.

If I want amateur movies, I'll watch youporn.

Anyway, thought I had to get that out.

The Last Exorcism (rehash followed by failed premise)

2011-10-31T12:13:00.000-07:00

Here's a clue when making a mockumentary where everyone including the film crew dies at the end:

Don't add the scary score.

Plain and simple.

It's a "documentary", right? And everyone ends up dying? Think about the damn fourth wall, man. Who is presenting the movie? Is it found footage? Somebody presenting it as proof of demonic possession or Satan worship or exorcism? If it is found footage, why would the producer add the sound effects?

(BTW, and I've mentioned this before, Satan worshippers don't kill babies and sacrifice virgins -- they just vote Palin and party with porn producers)

Anyway, the demo of the fourth wall distracted me on viewing of this film.

Aside from the fact that it just rehashed The Exorcist. The Last Exorcism lacked any real drama and eventually ended up kind of where you figured it would. I literally found myself guessing lines three or four seconds before they happened.

For example -- As what's his name -- the Preacher guy who wasn't all that good, Cotton Wood? Cotton Hill? Cotton Marcus (Patrick Fabian: the poor man's Clancy Brown mixed with the poor man's Nate Fillion). As Cotton What's-his-name was attempting exorcism #2, only this one he knew was probably real, he basically just started reading from the Bible. And I thought to myself, Self, I think that poor possessed girl Nell (Ashley Bell) is going to say "words words words" or make a comment about how the prayers only work when said by someone with faith similiar to when Roddy McDowall tried to bust the crucifix out on Chris Sarandon in Fright Night 85.

And, wouldn't you know it -- the possessed Nell said Words Words Words and then started bitching about how Cotton Hill talks too much -- like my wife, am I right?

The best part about that barn exorcism scene though is how it turns on one thing. Nell sez something like "Would you like a blowing job."

"AH HA!" Cotton Hill (doesn't really but pretty much) sez, "I know you're faking it because it's not a blowing job! It's just a blow job. Do I want a blow job! Phew! Glad we got that out of the way. Now stop being a stupid cry baby and just admit that you are a troubled adolescent!"

Oh yeah, and this all was happening in a barn. That was pretty funny too.

(The best thing is, I just made up that line above, and as ridiculous as it sounds, it's even more ¡Que Ridículo! in the movie)

Anyway, the movie, which had kind of been holding up okay until the barn exorcism, breaks apart.

Something about a "quite obviously gay" kid (I didn't find him that obviously gay, and even if he was -- we're talking about a 16 year old kid in rural Louisiana: I'm so sure he's way open about his sexuality to a strange camera crew tagging along with an Evangelical minister); something about a dad tied to a tree and a big ball of fire, faith and what not -- I don't know.

A movie with all gimicks and no substance.

Oh, and the poster is misleading. She totally doesn't do a distorted crab walk up the ceiling.

This is Halloween

2011-10-31T08:13:00.001-07:00

Halloween (1978) (Awww, I'm so disappointed)

2011-10-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just saw Halloween (1978) for the first time -- Yeah, I know, I know... some thoughts:

This might be my least favorite John Carpenter flick. It was just candy corny in the wrong ways. My fave Carpenters feel more satirical, tongue-in-cheek with a main character that isn't self-aware, totally ridiculous, and completely bad ass (The Thing might be an exception). This film is corny despite its attempt at intensity or suspense. Which just means that the director must've gotten the tone wrong.

Jamie Lee Curtis (insert horse noise here)

PJ Soles: always good for some 70's boob. And a good death scene to boot.

Michael Myers: so much scarier in his later incarnations, I have a lot of hope for the Rob Zombie remake.

There's no blood, WTF?

The theme song is cool, but overused ad nauseum.

70's-girl tight jeans, WTF? So far up on the waist, make the woo-hoo look huge. I figure out that mom-jeans don't come from women hitting a certain age and deciding that they want to wear pants that swallow their hips and make their butts look long, flat, and awkward. Rather, these moms were the unfortunate victim of the late 70's Jordache jeans fashion faux pas.

Nancy (Loomis) Kyes as Annie, the first babysitter victim, is totally enjoyable. Spunky and cute, just looked her up on imdb, wish she had a longer acting career.

Donald Pleasence as the terrified and slightly dopey Dr. Loomis saves this flick beyond measure, wish he was more present. Not sure that the enjoyability that I get from the old psychiatrist tauting the danger of Micheal Myers in his "fancy language" about "pure evil" was intended to be experienced in the way that I experienced it, but whatever works....

Saw VI (I feel I missed something between Saw and Saw VI)

2011-10-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

So, I saw the original Saw when I saw that Saw came out on video way back in like aught 4.

It was kind of cool. I liked it because there isn't an actual killer, just like some vague notion of a homocidal conspiracy.

So last night, the missus and me curl up with our favorite red couch and decide to watch Saw II, which is not available on instant stream. III? No. IV? No. V? Uh uh. VI? Oh yes, there we go. Saw VI.

But wait a tick, I sez. I ain't not never seen them other Saws.

Boy, you ain't got to no see them others, my darling dear sez. It's all the same what with the murd3erin and the crazy contraptions and all that.

Aight.

And we popped on the toob.

Something about a cop. And the guy that the killer is the guy from the first one (Tobin Bell) that I thought was the killer the whole time but it turned out he wasn't, he was just trying to save his family er something in the first one, but then it turns out he is the killer and now he's dead. But his wife and some cop are now killing sub prime mortgage lenders and insurance salesmen?

I dunno. I was confused.

But Eddie Winslow's in it.

Good to see him getting work.

Paranormal Activity 2 (Zaftig Connections)

2011-10-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I realize that I never wrote my thoughts on Paranormal Activity. I wrote one up on Paranormal Entity, or, what I like to call, Asylum Picture's Big Boob and Ghost Spectacular.

Well, in a nutshell, Paranormal Activity is about a pudgy girl (Katie Featherstone) and her douche bag boyfriend (Micah Sloat) setting up a camera in their bedroom. And nothing happens for 45 minutes.

Then something about footsteps?

And then he dies and her grill is all fawked up.

That's pretty much it.

. . .

I expected Paranormal Activity 2: Same Shit, Different House to be roughly the same, but was pleasantly surprised to find it was marginally better.

Toys freak me the fuck out

The Great Oracle defines PA2 as a "parallel prequel" -- a new term. You see, it starts before the events of PA1, and directly influences what happens to the douchebag and his Rubenesque filly.

Only PA2 took the lessons learned from the failures of PA1 and improved the canon -- and not in that George Lucas is going to show that technology is somehow better in the past kinda way, but in the you know we need a cute teenage girl and a little less dead time at the beginning kind of way.

In going against my policy on spoilers, I will not spoil PA2 for you because, I guess, part of the fun is not knowing how the dumb movie turns out. But the plot shakes down like this:

No. No. There's nothign wrong. Nothign wrong at all. Not with me. I'm fine........How are you? Heh heh heh hehehehe....

Katie Featherstone, the zaftig girl from PA1, has a sister (Sprague Grayden) who experiences some paranormal activity (insert woooOOOOoooo here) a few weeks before Katie Featherstone and her douchey bf do.

The sister has a new baby from a guy who is creepily older than her (Brian Boland) that already has a dead wife and a cute teenage daughter (I can say the teen daughter, played by Molly Ephraim, is cute because she's like 25 in real life).

Dude, my shit's been fucked with by a person....or something else

The sister's family, who we will call the sister's family because I lost interest in their names and don't much care to simply click to the next tab and refresh my memory, of course has a handy cam just like the douchebag bf and his frump of a gf, but, after what looks like a break-in-ransack situation, they also set up a security camera system -- because if someone is going to break in to your house and wreck up the joint, at least the next time you can catch it on video rather than, like, have an alarm system that will call the cops or at least a well-armed partially trained private security officer.

This is San Diego after all, the town too conservative and rich to cultivate petty crime and too stupid to formulate well thought-out plans.

Doesn't matter though. The ransacking was caused by a ghost. A demon, actually, to be exact.

Luckily for us, a lack of private home security foresight is gold in the capturing on video of paranormal activity. (insert woooOOOOoooo here)

I'm a spooky ghooooooost

So ghostly shit, a plot twist, and a baby and a dog later, and we have a nice set-up for PA3, out in theaters now.

The strengths of the (pre)sequel over its "indie" original are many -- the effects are better simply because there is a studio backing the production. Little things like sound mixing and choice editing.

Not too shab

Also, the aforementioned hot daughter, who is also a pretty good actress. Even the sister is more pleasant and interesting than the eyes-too-close-together Featherstone.

Furthermore, character development can go a long way. The tension is a little higher because of it. I think Paramount/DreamWorks scored big by using documentary fimmaker Tod Williams as the director. The dose of reality using 7 or 8 different cameras (rather than just the one from PA1) required a documentarian's sensibility.

My biggest problem is the payoff is not quite as jarring as it is in PA1. I get the distinct impression that the first PA is meant as a stand-alone flick, and Paramount/DreamWorks decided to cash in by developing the undeveloped character stories from the first flick.

It's ok, we'll get your teeth fixed, honey.

I think that's totally okay, consideirng that the second film is less boring. But, there is a certain charm behind the almost-anonymous characters from PA1. For though it is a frump and douche living in sin in San Diego, they could be almost any frump and douche living anywhere, and that anonymity is where the original tension comes from.

Still, it comes down to seeing weird shit, and PA2 covers that in spades. So, kudos and bravo to big studios for finally using a little bit of touch to enhance the unenhanced.

Antichrist (aka Lars Von Trier scars you forever)

2011-10-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

I keep mulling Lars von Trier's arthouse torture porn flick Antichrist over and over in my head. I'm not sure how to approach it: do I start with the death of the my-son-aged boy or the bloody jizz?

First, I'd like to come right out and say that von Trier is fucking with all of us with this film. The story is about a married couple who lose their toddler son, and the psychiatrst husband's attempt to help his wife through her grief.

That's the superficial story anyway. Considering this movie ends with a very well-publcized female self-castration, ball crushing, and a straight up strangling, plus the title is Antichrist -- one can reasonably go into this film expecting some surpernatrual, demon-related shit.

So, here's where I think Lars von Trier is fucking with us, and where it breaks into the whole torture porn thing:

Torture porn is quite explicit in its violence and in its narrative -- say, Some kids go into the wildenerness, they're scooped up by some crazy person, for 30 minutes they're are slowly cut open, raped, maybe hung up on something, somebody breaks away despite the lack of an arm and foot, finds a chainsaw and cuts the torturer up.

Standard stuff.

Any sort of hidden meanings or real-world parallels, character development, comment on the human experience, any of that garbage is buried way down deep (if it exists at all) because the people bought their tickets to see a big-boobed 19 year old blonde covered in blood and guts.

Antichrist's narrative goes the opposite way.

The superficial story is the human experience drama, the implied story is the supernatural. Willem Dafoe, the husband, drags his greiving wife, Charlotte Gainsbourg out to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. On the way, they do little techniques and exercises, things like imagination exercises, or whatever. During one in particular, she imagines a place that ends up being exactly where they're going.

In the wilderness, weird parallels happen like a baby bird falls from a tree (their son died by falling out of a window), or the husband discovers a deer with a still-born fawn hanging from her hind quarters.

So, we know that this movie is leading somewhere unpleasant. But the existential that we're given to observe is only how these two character inter-relate and the emotions and thoughts that they reveal in words.

The existential is the explicit, it is also the gratuity. In the second shot of the movie, which is part of this wonderfully vivid monochromatic sequence that takes us through the events that lead to the boy's death, we see an ultra-stylized sexual penetration (not simulated, BTW). With all due respect to movies that show sexual penetration, rarely is it absolutely neccessary to a film to include a shot of wang entering a woo-hoo.

But this is just the first of a various scenes that include very overt sexuality, nudity, and explicit sexual relations. However, it is the only that's stylized. Von Trier got his start as a member of the Dogme 95 movement, and while he seems to have officially departed from the Dogme, he's a fan of mixing super arty and stylized shots with grainy and grimey realism shots.

The relationship between the husband and wife is portrayed in the Dogme spirit, the memories and dreams and metaphysical portrayals are very stylized and beautiful, even when they're hinting (but not overtly confirming) that the wife might have been evil all along.

It happens in the last 20 minutes or so where we see that there is some transition from the existential to the kooky bananas. That is where the wife, in a fit of despair almost rapes her husband, and instead of finishing, jumps off of him, picks up a log, and bashes it into his balls.

Then it gets weird.

I mean, really weird.

Something has snapped in her, and von Trier gives us little snippets of clues -- like, medevial biblical artwork that protrays (I think) naked bodies writhing in hell, conversations about the rationality of women, and pagan symbolism of a fox, a raven, and deer. Plus past memories of the Wife strapping the wrong shoes on the wrong feet of her son and perhaps she watched him as he fell out of the window (perhaps she set it up so he would?)

In fact, the impression I get is that Lars von Trier is using his pedestal as art house indie fimmaker to make a movie that intentionally lacks true cohesive substance, and instead contains imagery and concepts designed to provoke a negative reaction amongst those who would go out of their way to see a Lars von Trier film.

The film strikes me as being anti-progressive, anti-feminist, and anti-Dogma. And yet, because of the tital, because of the filmmaker, and because of the notoreity, it has a buzz about it that may even make it mainstream.

I don't particularly like the characters: both Dafoe and Gainsbough are stark, severe, and unattractive to begin with, their characters are a douche bag and a introvert respectively. The explcit shots of sex and despair are unpleasant at best (people really don't like seeing "real" people have sex or crying). And what the title of the film, and the distortions of some the shots might lead you to believe is coming never really pay off (we never see a ghost, we never get a supernatural thing, we are only led to think that something must be goin on: imagine if Rosemary's Baby never had the last scene with the old people saying "Hail satan!").

All in all, it's like if I told you that I have a cookie to give you, I drove you to a cookie factory, I walked you past the baker, I showed you the oven, I sat you at a table, blindfolded you, held the fresh baked cookie under your nose, then gave you nitric oxide and while you wer tripping balls for 30 seconds, I force fed you the cookie and then told you how it tasted.

Could you expect anything else from Lars von Trier? Nothing so simple as a bonafide movie of withccraft, torture, and the paranormal -- only a movie heavy-laden with human drama that goes all wrong for reasons that are slightly unclear.

The Exorcist (What an excellent day for an exorcism.)

2011-10-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

What is there to say about The Exorcist that hasn't been said?

Every time I watch it, I enjoy it more.

In fact, everytime I watch, I'm struck by how remarkable Linda Blair's performance is. Saying a lot considering that she spends 95% of her screen time in bed, and she's like 12, and she's lip syncing most of her dialogue, with some sort of slime hanging from all of her head holes.

Something I don't get: so she like stabs that crucifix inside her hoo-ha, and after she's exorcised, she doesn't remember anything -- did they have to explain why she has massive lacerations on her private parts and hows come she ain't gonna have no kids?

What's more: the demon leaves Regan and jumps into Fr. Karras (Jason Miller aka Ara Parseghian in Rudy) and Karras jumps out the window. Why the hell did the demon leave Regan? I mean, young and supple seems like an infinitely better host than old, crusty, drunk, and suicidal.

Also, while I'm on the topic of quirky thing, the name Damien, Satanistic movies, discuss.

Ellen Burstyn plays Chris MacNeill, Regan's mom, and she is fabulous as usual. Because she's, at this point in her career, the equivalent of a 70's indie-drama darling, she is able to carry that sort of hip actress gravitas with her that gets face slammed down to Earth when she encounters matters of a more paranormal nature.

Max Von Sydow is also a wonderful selection as Father Merrin, a man who is in all of three scenes, one at the beginning, and the entire final sequence, and, really, he's just there because his husky Swedish voice sounds uber-kewl saying the Catholic prayers that are part of the Rite of Exorcism.

There's not a whole lot of jump-out-and-scare-you moments, and by today' standards, the gore is fairly tame. But, it's still an engrossing film, and the crunchy, slimy, gooey make up still holds up.

Scream (or: I came in late because the line for popcorn was long--Hey, I thought Drew Barrymore was in this movie? She's on the poster. What the hell is going on here? I came for Drew--Why the hell am I looking at Neve for an hour and a half)?

2011-10-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

If you're anything like me, Scream is unfortunately, the high school slasher flick of your high school years.

It's not as bad as all that, Scream is a quality Jump-Out-And-Scare-You flick, which plays much better on dates.

For, you see, many a poor girl with the misfortune to spend their first fumbly moments alone with a boy (me) trying desperately to work his clumsy fingers under her bra did so in the dark of the theater playing Scream at the Cinemark in the West Valley sMall of Tracy, CA.

Why under her bra? Because I knew if I took the time to propoerly unlatch said device, my motives would be discovered and I would be severely rebuffed with extreme prejudice (I was rebuffed, anyway, every...single...time).

But, back to my less creepy point: Scream is better on dates than, say, a gore/torture porn flick like Hostel or that stupid shit eater movie with the people whose lips are sewn to assholes (No Strings Attached, HAHAHAHA! I've never seen that movie), because whereas The Wizard of Gore will try and disgust you, Scream will keep your honey popping into your arms.

Or, if you think you're a heterosexual girl at a movie with big strong me, my comforting embrace will melt you like tanning beds melt ice cream, and you'll think --

Hey, why not give it a shot with this guy? At the very least I'll be able to tell if I swing that way, and besides, his fat fingers digging into my side under my bra would be less uncomfortable if I just unsnap the damn clasps.

(7 minutes later)

Welp, that was unpleasant, I can't wait until college when I can freely listen to Ani Difranco songs with other "like-minded" chicks and I don't have to put up with these jocky assholes any more. Thanks Ruben, you taught me a little something about myself.

Any time, my softball-playing friend. Any time.

So, Drew dies in the first sequence, by about minute 3.14.

Oops, sorry.

SPOILER ALERT

Drew dies in the first sequence. Her death is particularly spectacular, not really grusome, but it has its own je ne sais qua. Wes Craven uses a shit ton of wide angle lens shots mixed with great depths of field, so as Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard chase their victims through huge maze-like houses, there's a disorientation going on, making the should-be PG13 horror movie that much more interesting and a tad more terrifiying.

What's more, as in the case of Miss Barrymore's untimely demise, Craven has no qualms about adding sound FX to his killers' stabbing. Sort of a FOOMP FOOMP sound, like someone quickly unzips a posh brown leather jacket that hangs off of Jamie Kennedy's slumpy small shoulders.

As a gore and thrill fest -- Scream climaxes with Drewzies death:

she is flayed just steps from her parents as they come home from some ritzy charity dinner to save the Nordic Snow Fox;
mummy and daddy discover a kitchen fire and signs of a struggle, so they pick up the phone to call the police (this is when people had a phone actually installed in their kitchens and on a table near the front door) to find that Little Miss Barrymore is still on it and they can hear her death gurgles;
and, finally, as mummy runs from the house, she discovers her gutted daughter hanging from a tree; SCREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMMM! (get it)

After that, my bi-curious date perks up as we are treated to Neve Campbell wincing and squinting all over a very special Haloween episode of Party of Five featuring guest stars Rose McGowan as the hard-nippled, foul-mouthed best friend, and Courtney Cox-Arquette on the set that she fell in love with David Cox-Arquette. And (yawn) Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich playing a poor-man's Johnny Depp.

And the Ghost Faced Killa gets kicked in the nuts constantly. After a while, it's just uncomfortable.

But, it's not fair to completely discount this movie's seriousness. Rose McGowan's nipples are fabulous and it came out just before Marilyn Manson ruined her.

Also, her death is easily the second best to Drew's -- neck snappings are all the rage in slasher flicks: such a fabulous opportunity to depart from the humdrum belly and back stabbings.

Let's see, anything else? No, I guess not.

Return of the Living Dead (1985) (also known as My Dream....)

2011-09-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

If I have one wish, hope, and desire for the world
It is that
The Zombie Apocalypse is like the one in Return of the Living Dead

Where the dead literally moan "Braaaaains!"
And its raining

So everything's muddy

(and this happens)

Stumpy is my new favorite zombie. He kind of struts like George Jefferson

Chaos Theory (or ugggghhhhhh)

2011-09-24T00:44:00.000-07:00

The 2008 romantic dramedy Chaos Theory is the reason that toddlers hide under their blankets late at night.

Ryan Reynolds is the Ambassador of Douche.

And Emily Mortimer would be adorable if she hadn't been dead for seven years.

Quote of the Day Tara Reid's Lost Innocence Edition

2011-09-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

"Oh boy. How are you going to keep them down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus?"

The Dude -- The Big Lebowski

cool Audition .gif

2011-09-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

Link to the Tumblr Site If We Don't Make It, Remember Me

They Live (or All Kinds of Awesome)

2011-09-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

If I would have seen John Carpenter's They Live back in 1988, when I was an 8-9 year-old boy with a serious thing for Rowdy Roddy Piper, guns, wrestling, aliens, and explosions, I would have probably grown a mullet, cut the sleeves off of my shirt, and walked around Sunnyvale, California saying "I've come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum."

Now, as a 32 year-old boy with a serious memory boner for Rowdy Roddy Piper, and a tempered affection for guns (in movies), wrestling, aliens, explosions AND John Carpenter and alien conspiracies, I am reminded once again -- and thoroughly reinforced in my brain hole -- of everything that I love about films.

It's not the fantasy, it's not the camp or the grit or the big-timedness: I love the package. Truly great cinema -- whether an indie feature by Todd Field or a big budget Jerry Bruckheimer piece of crap (or somewhere in the middle, which is where John Carpenter falls [okay, he's closer to the Bruck than the Field, but still]) --

what the hell was I talking about again?
Oh yeah--

Truly great cinema is about the package of collaborators, and how well their craft falls into the role that they are placed.

John Carpenter must make movies about secret underworlds that exist in plain sight. Oh, and while he's at it, he might as well compose the dirty, sleazy, and possibly over-synthed soundtrack. And that movie, because of the sleazy music and the underworld, rocks ass with bang bang explosions and major action! With a sci-fi bend.

Why?

Because no-fucking-body else can do it fucking right! That's why!

Keith David will take any role he's offered (seriously check this out: 195 roles!), but he thrives in a role that calls for a buffed out black dude that can assert his very strong will over anyone.

"This one: real fucking ugly!"

And Roddy Piper -- who is far beyond my most favoritest wrassler of all time for the simple reason that he gives not one damn fuck -- Roddy Piper must be crowned king of Wrestling Actors after his very special performance in this flick. As he successfully navigates from optimistic drifting day-laborer with only the flannel shirt on his back and the American Dream in his heart, to super-powered urban Rambo finally awakened to the reality of what exists behind our consumer culture.

And that brings us to the real reason that They Live is fawkin' brilliant.

If this was a vehicle to cash in on a wrestler's popularity, it would've been Hulk Hogan or the Ultimate Warrior. If this was supposed to just be a follow-up to Big Trouble in Little China, it would have starred Kurt fawkin' Russell and featured, I don't know, muay thai-fighting lizard men on a tropical beach in the South Atlantic.

No no, in They Live, George Nada (Piper) wanders into a town looking for work, and gets caught up in the seemingly systematic termination of the middle class by forcing more people into Hoovervilles, and then using the Police force to shake the homeless down and kill them. Very soon, Nada discovers a rebel movement -- but what are they rebelling against?


eeeeeeeek!

After putting on a pair of specially engineered shades, he as his answer: the world has been infiltrated by Alien beings that use television signals to masquerade both their appearances (they are all affluent people) and the secret messages behind advertising that convinces people to buy things, become complacent, and, ultimately dependent on those Industrial Aliens.

That's right, they are fucking money-grubbing industrialists, and they are making money off the poor damn laborers.

So, what can a drifting day laborer do against a hidden world of corruption and mind control?

Well, he can wrestle anyone into believing him

And then, he can kick ass! (and chew bubble gum)

This is more than a action flick or a wrestler's venture into the world of thespianism: this is an anti-consumerism social commentary. And it is placed directly in the middle of the epoch where consumption was at its most egregious.

John Carpenter is the Phillip K. Dick of modern cinema. And, once again proven to be a damn genius. Game set match, sir.

I Killed Like a Champion

2011-08-28T02:11:00.001-07:00

A movie by little old me

Peter Pan (1953): What makes the Red Man red? How about cultural insensitivity, you racist bastards!

2011-08-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

So, my son -- who was just little Romerino when I first started the Floating Red Couch -- is now 2 1/2 years old and a sucker for movies. Especially swashbuckling type movies. Or movies with talking animals.

So, here he is, all 2 1/2 years of him, and I decide to bring in Walt Disney's Peter Pan, because he likes whimsy, he likes sword play, and he finds pirates to be scary-but-impressive.

And, about 30 minutes in, I had to explain to him that the label "savage" is not appropriate when describing the Indigenous people of the Americas. And then I have to tell him that these Indigenous people have several distinctly rich and diverse cultures over hundreds of nations, and were spread throughout the land with symbiotic success for hundreds or even thousands of years before the European settlers arrive in the late fifteenth century.

I had to explain that the word "How" was a Eurocentric term used as a catchall "Indian" word that meant "Hello", and has very little basis in any Indigenous North American nation's vernacular. But, in actuality, it is an instance of European society subjugating the culture of the native people. Just like calling the Indigenous people "Indian" (they're not from India) or "Native American" (they were on the land before it was called America). Let alone "savage", "barbarian", or "primitive" (all terms used by the young British children in Peter Pan).

I had to tell him that the term "Red Man" is insensitive and a misnomer: the Indigenous people's skin is not red. In fact, their skin tone is as varied as their cultures and adapted through several hundred generations living in particular regions of the Americas (and their skin has certainly not been altered because once a boy kissed a girl, and became so flushed that his genetic code was altered, and he passed the over stimulation on to his progeny until all members of all nations were darker). Some of the Indigenous have lighter skin color, some have darker skin color. Because, as Morgan Freeman sez in Robin Hood, "Because Allah loves wondrous varieties."

I'd also like to poit out that my usage of the word "Allah" twice has officially put my website on a watch list -- yaaaay!

Also, Tiger Lily is totally not an Indigenous name. If anything, it's a Cantonese name.

I told him all of these things, he looked at me and said, "Pie-wits are sca-wee!"

"Yes, son," I said and patted him on the head. "Pirates are scary, indeed."

I suppose I'll have to work extra hard to protect my children from the white-washed evil of the 50's.

is about to watch Twilight (freeking Twi-light!).

2011-06-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day A Picture is Worth 1000 Words Edition

2011-05-24T16:20:00.000-07:00

The Big Lebowski

The King's Speech

2011-05-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

Every British movie that is about the 20th century royalty and is polished or serious always strikes me the same way: I could have just as easily seen this as a prime time BBC movie of the week.

But, I do love Helena Bonham Carter. And, I'll admit that Colin Firth played a stutterer very very well.

The film had its moments, but they were little. For better or worst.

That's all I have to say about that.

Quote of the Day Salutation Edition

2011-05-19T16:00:00.000-07:00

"And a good day to you, sir!"

Walter -- The Big Lebowski

Caligula (All boob, no blood -- WTF?)

2011-05-18T16:53:00.000-07:00

Caligula is not the weirdest movie, nor is it the freakiest movie, nor is it the most interesting movie, nor is it the sexiest movie. No, Caligula is a movie that is officially dated because mommies and daddies don't need X-rated movies anymore when they've got youporn.

Malcolm McDowell plays the eponymous 4th Caesar of Rome, a man who seems to be the only national ruler whose assassination was fully condoned by everyone involved.

that's his sister, and, yes, he does pork her

You see, a crazy tyrant is only fine and well when you actually go out and create military conquests and acquire land and riches. But when you just march an army out a few miles, come back home, tell everyone you conquered England and then order death to those who call bullshit, you will eventually make some people angry.

Caligula reminds me of the epic piece of crap that others say Cleopatra is (IDK, never saw it, don't plan to, but I know it cost more to make than the gross national product of Brazil), if Cleopatra was directed by a sleazy guy like Larry Flynt or The Girls Gone Wild guy or Bob Guccione.

Which brings me to co-director and producer Bob Guccione -- from all I read, Gore Vidal penned the script, couldn't get funding, so he called Penthouse and Guccione said, "MORE TITS!"

Then they cast McDowell, fresh off of the success which portrays him as a lovable homocidal rapist, Peter O'Toole (for crediblity), Helen Mirren (pre-sexy sexagenarian but awfully naked), John Gielgud, and a whole host of women who don't mind masturbating on camera (from the box that Guccione had under his desk).

Anyway, after feeding my insatiable desire for bouncing 70's B-cups and power muffs, Caligula really lacked on washing all that skin down with violence and blood. I can see Malcolm McDowell screaming and raping anywhere, and I can see him ranting a pillaging everywhere else except for in the 1st century AD. I was truly disappointed.

Basically, it's just soft-core featuring way more hairy butt crack than any respectable soft-core should give you.

All boob, no blood -- WTF?

Get Low (or The Ballad of a Crazy Old Man)

2011-05-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

In this day and age, Robert Duvall is the patron saint of funding any small, well-crafted, character-driven movie: so long as there's an old curmudgeon in it that he can play.

9 times out of 10, the movie is fantastic, and I still maintain that Robert Duvall is the only man who can laugh while he speaks (or maybe he's speaking while laughing).

Anyways, he's such a pleasure to watch. These days, I'd put him up there as the finest "all-time" actor working today considering that Pacino and Dinero have been doing schlock lately.

Get Low is no exception. Duvall plays Felix Bush, an old recluse in a small town in the deep south circa late 20's/early 30's that has been living with guilt and shame lo these many years. The payoff in the film is uncovering the tragic incident that has forced him to self-exclude from society.

I will say that I guessed the big secret when we found out how Sissy Spacek was related to the woman in the picture (oh yeah, Sissy Spacek's in this one, also Bill Murray and Major Dad).

Bill Murray as funeral home owner Frank Quinn is wasted. I like Bill Murray in these quasi-serious roles, but the role has to have a certain bit of disambiguated awkwardness to them, and Quinn's character, despite being the only Northerner in a town full of bumpkins, lacks that. He's too ingrained and respected.

All in all, a nice, tidy little film with a fine performance by Bobby Duvall.

The Kids Are All Right (NOT a movie about lesbians)

2011-05-16T14:06:00.000-07:00

...marriage is hard... Just two people slogging through the shit, year after year, getting older, changing. It's a fucking marathon, okay? So, sometimes, you know, you're together for so long, that you just... You stop seeing the other person. You just see weird projections of your own junk. Instead of talking to each other, you go off the rails and act grubby and make stupid choices...

Lisa Cholodenko's The Kids Are All Right is not a movie about lesbianism (is that a word? No red squiggly line, so the answer must be yes). It is a movie about families, relationship dynamics, heredity, and interloperism (is that a word? Red squiggly line: no, it is not a word).

And it just happens to feature a lesbian couple.

In my opinion as a 30-something, mostly Caucasian, heterosexual, middle class man that lives in suburban America: this is the most progressive film that I've seen about the homosexual community.

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore's marriage of at least 18 or 19 years with 2 teenage kids (from the same sperm donor) is incidentally a lesbian relationship. All of the motifs can and have been translated to every movie that has ever dealt with family dynamics.

The kids (Mia Wasikowska as the 18 year-old Joni, birthed by Bening's Nic, and Josh Hutcherson as the 15-ish Laser, birthed by Moore's Jules) are naturally curious about their heredity and natural family history.
Donor Paul (Mark Ruffalo) is a middle-aged almost 40-something with little direction that hopes to latch onto something with a little more meaning than he's had before.
Paul falls in love with a married woman.
Jules and Nic have been married long enough to have heaps of personal issues that they need to work through, and have a routine mundane enough to cause both wandering eyes and an unsettled situation.
The kids are also coming of age and are searching within themselves and their environment for their place in the world and their identities as adults.

These are not issues strictly limited to alternative-families, these could translate directly to Ordinary People or American Beauty or some other movie about "modern American families". The Kids Are All Right casually establishes the parameters of its universe and its focused family through a dinner conversation at the beginning of the film, and from their, the qualities of the family are more centric to the various dynamics that work around them, the least of which is that the parents are lesbians.

Now, of course, the fact that the mothers are lesbians spin a drama about infidelity in a very interesting way, so its not like a topic that is ignored. But in their seamless integration (as opposed to something like Will & Grace, where every episode is about how outrageous it is to be gay), the issues of homosexuality and families headed by gay couples (who are also married) becomes less of a topic of controversy and more of a condition of the situation.

The movie is flawed in its narrative, their are things that are never fully fleshed out (like what is the deal with Laser and that doofus he hangs out with) and Julianne Moore seems to be acting more than I've ever seen her act before. But the crux of the story, even with a somewhat ambiguous resolution, is tidy and fulfilling and very emotional.

And, summoning the spirit Andrew from Encore's World of Film & TV, Annette Bening could be the most enjoyable actress on screen today to watch. Her performance cuts glass: she is a blend of high-strung perfectionism and soused enthusiast with a penchant to break down emotionally at any time -- like any good mother.

If for no other reason, this movie deserves attention for the great Mrs. Beatty's work.

Oh, and Yaya DaCosta.

oh yes

Battle of the Fatheads Recap (The Showcase Round)

2011-05-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

Scoring Roolz:
I am God of the Grudge Match
my scores are infallible
each film is scored based on an arbitrary set of criteria that I determine for each round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the higher score from each round, wins the round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the most rounds won, wins the Grudge Match

Round 5 of The Battle of the Fatheads Grudge Match: The Showcase Round

We've seen some great showcase films in our grudge matches:this of course would be the film in which our combatants will show their best stuff, which hasn't been put up already, and make a definitive statement -- this is who I am. Don't judge me! Love me! (and then judge me higher that that other person)

The Departed - Scorese's Oscar-winner happens to be the film in which Leo destroys: carries the entire damn flick along despite Vera Farmiga, the world's worst psychiatrist. And, for his effort, he was completely ignored by the Academy. Whaaaaat?

Even still, I dare say that Leonardo Dicaprio in his best role on an already impressive list of fantastic performances, truly outshines every other heavyweight in this movie. And it's not just because the gravitational pull from his head pulls light away from the others (after all, Nicholson and Baldwin have massive craniums as well). For Leo's finest performance, I bestow unto him 300 points for his performance, and another 16 points for every cent that I have in my savings account for a total of 316 points.

The Wild Bunch - In the realm of dramatic last gasps, none was more dramatic, heroic, morally ambigous, and damn awesome than Pike Bishop's (Bill Holden's) in The Wild Bunch. In fact, as our President signed the orders to raid Lex Luthor' secret compound, crafitly hidden int he a gigantic bunker in the middle of an affluent suburb of the biggest damn city int eh country where every suspected that he was, I pressed play on my Blu Ray player and watched the grand adventures of this truly Wild Bunch.

Bill Holden's performance is transcendent, as an aging thief and cowboy with no prospects of retirement in a world where robbing trains and banks is getting more difficult, and the bounty hunters are getting closer. The pressures on Pike, both existential and spiritually, are expertly cvonveyed by William Holden.

For these reasons I award Bill 317 points, and name him

The Most Bad Assest Fathead of all time!

Scoring

Battle of the Fatheads Recap (The Hardware Round)

2011-05-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Scoring Roolz:
I am God of the Grudge Match
my scores are infallible
each film is scored based on an arbitrary set of criteria that I determine for each round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the higher score from each round, wins the round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the most rounds won, wins the Grudge Match

Round 4 of The Battle of the Fatheads Grudge Match: The Hardware Round

In the realm of notoriety, we always come down to put up or shut up. And while performance and screen acting is a subjective art form, it's also something that the people who have money have no issues quantifying with little golden statuettes.

Our battling fatheads do not sport equal hardware, whereas Leo has only been blessed with a Golden Globe, Bill Holden has been donned the all-revered Oscar. Still, both men have garnered 3 academy nomnoms, and (Leo's got 7 GG noms). So, let's take a look at the films that so far define the illustriousness of these actors.

Stalag 17 - In it's infinite wisdom, the academy passed on Bill Holden's performance in Sunset Boulevard, and a few years later, thought it appropriate to give him some hardware from a decidedly inappropriate film. Despite script and direction from all-timer Billy Wilder, Stalag 17 is uneven as a film, but Holden does what he can and is easily the bright spot of the film.

On a scale of 1-10 -- I give Bill 8 points in this one. As is typical of the academy, the best actor award goes to a great performance in a middling film.

The Aviator - Very much of a millennial Scorsese film: historical oddity mixed with garish sets and a fine performance by a great actor in an eccentric role. Few people in the middle-aughts seem to have been able to do crazy better than Leonardo Dicaprio. His only ding is that he was too young to do Howard Hughes in his middle-aged years, but the burn scar make up helps to divert your attention from the obvious age discrepancy.

One a scale of 1-10 -- I give Leo a 9 points because he sez what we were all thinking: Who doesn't like tits?

After 4 rounds, surprise suprise, the score is tied

Leo 2, Bill 2

(why would I declare a winner before round 5?)

Scoring:

Battle of the Fatheads Recap (The Forbidden Love Round)

2011-05-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

Scoring Roolz:
I am God of the Grudge Match
my scores are infallible
each film is scored based on an arbitrary set of criteria that I determine for each round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the higher score from each round, wins the round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the most rounds won, wins the Grudge Match

Round 3 of The Battle of the Fatheads Grudge Match: The Forbidden Love Round

Why do ugly people (us) like to watch pretty people (them) fall in love? And then have it torn away, sealed in a jar that's welded shut, thrown into a burlap sack and tossed into the North Pacific Ocean to live amongst the crabs and bodies of Liza Minnelli's former cats? (Liza Minnelli? Really? Okay.)

So we've seen that Bill and Leo can be jerked around and totally messed with, but how do they respond to true adversity?

Romeo + Juliet - My disdain for this film is not helped along by the glamor shots of Leonardo Dicaprio through fishtanks and under disco balls and stuff.

Leo gets 1 point for this film because of his smile.

Love Is a Many-Splendored Thing - The previous film is oversaturated with action, this one is undersaturated. A 2-hour-that-feels-like-4-hours documentary about what the inside of my eye lids look like, but Holden is still very charming.

I award 1.1 point to Bill Holden, which is another way of saying he wins the tie breaker (because I don't do ties!)

After Round 3, Bill Holden tallies his second point. The score is

Bill 2, Leo 1

Scoring:

Battle of the Fatheads Recap (The Boy Toy Round)

2011-05-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

Scoring Roolz:
I am God of the Grudge Match
my scores are infallible
each film is scored based on an arbitrary set of criteria that I determine for each round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the higher score from each round, wins the round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the most rounds won, wins the Grudge Match

Round 2 of Battle of the Fatheads Grudge Match: The Boy Toy Round

Unless you're Ron Howard's brother, if you're an actor with any sort of longevity in your career, you're going to be considered a sex symbol at some point in your life. And, with sex symbolism., the inevitable powerful cougar come around to gobble up any attractive young man in her sight. (ahem, Demi....)

Sunset Boulevard - Despite chronic unemployment and a freakishly large, wagging head, Bill Holden's Joe Gillis somehow grabs a great catch like 50 (-something) year old Norma Desmond (Gloria Swanson), (former) star of Hollywood and screen. Holden's Oscar nominated performance adds muscle and charisma to the part of the film noir chump.

To the Monkey Boy, I award 6,200 points. The film is a screen classic and the man props up a part meant to play 2nd fiddle to Gloria Swanson.

The Beach - A young, nubile, and pretty Richard (Leo) finds paradise and freedom on a secluded beach in the Gulf of Thailand. And, he finds a fascist society run by Eric Stoltz--err--Tilda Swinton's Sal.

Leo's apple-on-a-toothpick body is perfect to be *sucked* up by The Beach's queen. But, a poorly conceived script can't help him rise much above his smirk and hair. 62 points.

After 2 rounds, the score is tied

Leo 1, Bill 1

Scoring:

Quote of the Day Happy Birthday SY Edition

2011-05-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Celie Johnson -- The Color Purple

Battle of the Fatheads Recap (The Mind Eff Round)

2011-05-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

Scoring Roolz:
I am God of the Grudge Match
my scores are infallible
each film is scored based on an arbitrary set of criteria that I determine for each round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the higher score from each round, wins the round
the film/filmmaker/actor with the most rounds won, wins the Grudge Match

Round 1 of Battle of the Fatheads Grudge Match: The Mind Eff Round

This particular Grudge Match is to detemrine which man with a fat head is making best use of this such cranium.

Our first round was focused on watching these already unstable-due-to-oversizing heads completely melt down due to the collusion of horrific events.

Damien: Omen II - Bill Holden's first film in this grudge match is a Satanic story which features a truly evil teen that climbs the social ladder to true aristocratic power as those that are close fall prey to terrible and tragic accidents. Read that last sentence again and add to the end: "and it was just so dull and silly."

Unfortunately, the powers of Holden could not save this film, and, as according to Stacia, much of his efforts ended up ont he cutting room floor. Bill gets 1 point for showing up and may God have mercy on his soul.

Shutter Island - The film is flawed, oh so flawed, and its apparent when you already know the ending. However, Leonardo Dicaprio's performance is fantastic and keeps the viewer interested through a bit of sappy drama.

To Leo, I award 130 points for keeping the film from falling into suckiness.

The Mind Eff Round goes to Leonardo Dicaprio, and the early score is

Leo 1, Bill 0

Scoring:

The Wild Bunch (or: Let's Go)

2011-04-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

Here we have arrived to the end of the Battle of the Fatheads Grudge Match 'tween William Holden and Leonardo Dicaprio. And, as always, we end the grudge match with the Showcase Round.

The Wild Bunch has always been a point of contention in my house. My wife, SY, is not a huge fan. She sez that its violent, its only got a bunch of old men in it, the Spanish is not subtitled andthe beginning and end are nothing more than overly-long cinematic blood baths.

Uh yeah. That's why this movie rocks ass hard.

In 1969, there was no such thing as moral ambiguity, graphic slow-motion murder, and civilian getting shot on camera. Sam Peckinpah changed the way that violence and grit are portrayed on screen. He was the first Tarantino, the first Scorsese. The Wild Bunch is everything that Stalag 17 might have been had it been released before Stalag 17.

William Holden is no small part of the historical place that this film holds. If The Wild Bunch wasn't a good film, I mean if it wasn't gripping and powerful and all those other adjectives that press agents pay People Magazine to say about films these days, it would merely be a foot note in cinema.

But because it has a powerful narrative with superb acting, The Wild Bunch is a cornerstone of infuence in modern film.

An aging group of robbers in 1913, Pike Bishop (Holden), Dutch Engstorm (Ernie Borgnine), Angel (Jaime Sanchez) and the Gorch Brothers (Warren Oates and Ben Johnson) are confronting their own mortality and future. What happens to a thief when he successfully evades the law for the entirety of his career? Eventually he has to retire, get arrested, or die.

By this time in his career, Holden is not too far off from Pike Bishop as a man. He no longer can effectively be a leading man, unless his age is a gimmick of the narrative. The film industry is changing from the studio system into a much more independent producer and distributor affiliated system. And films these days are becoming more sophisticated intellectually, gritty, darker -- drama and genre pics especially are becoming more the rage amongst the younger film goers of the 60's.

Holden's place in TWB is not an accident, and Peckinpah harnesses a vulnerability in Holden that is not readily apparent in any of the swarthy and loner characters that he has played in his career heretofore.

The rest of the Bunch, Borgnine as Dutch especially, contribute to the tobacco-stained class that exists within this picture. This film is not for those that prefer that which is neat and tidy. The dust is ugly: the rusty and unsanistary slums of the late old West cloud a narrative that doesn't even leave you with a satisfactory resolution. Pike's bunch doesn't find peace in a happy ending, but rather choose to find peace in their own moral code.

We're not gonna get rid of anybody! We're gonna stick together, just like it used to be! When you side with a man, you stay with him! And if you can't do that, you're like some animal, you're finished! We're finished! All of us!

In a den of thieves, the only thing to live for is the very code that kept you alive, even when you know it'll lead to a dead end. That's what the final moments of the Bunch's lives stood for, that's why they go back for Angel, suicidally of course, but at least that suicide stood for something.

This concludes the viewing section of the Battle: Fathead. Starting Monday, I will score and we will scientifically determine which Fathead reigns supreme.

Quote of the Day Tits and the MPAA Edition

2011-04-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

"Sure. Who doesn't like tits?"

Howard Hughes -- The Aviator

The Departed (Lying there until you're numb)

2011-04-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.

I will not disparage The Departed, though I am at best surprised that this was Marty Scorsese's Oscar-winner and at worst disappointed that this will go down as his "officially" best movie (it's not).

But, The Departed is a fantastic movie. A remake of the Hong Kong film Infernal Affairs, it takes place in South Boston and revolves around Irish-American Mafia kingpin Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson). Costello has a plant in the Massachusetts State Police, Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon), and the Staties have a plant in Costello's inner-circle, Billy Costigan (Leo).

So, the film is really a cat and mouse chase where Sullivan and Costigan are trying to find one another.

I'd really like to give it up to writer William Monahan, but when one watches the Hong Kong inspiration, The Departed is structurally exactly the same as IA. So, the only difference, seemingly, is that Monahan inserted the dialogue (which is quality, don't get me wrong).

Still, Scorsese composes a wonderful crime drama that harkens back to his gritty indie roots, but with all the polish and sheen one would expect from a 40+ year veteran filmmaker.

What truly makes The Departed remarkable is the reason that I've chosen it as Leo's representation in the Showcase Round of the Battle: Fathead.

The Departed is the only film that Leonardo Dicaprio has ever carried above and beyond all of the other characters that make up the ensemble.

Nicholson is fabulous (but hammy), Matt Damon is better than he's ever been. Alec Baldwin. Marty Sheen, Mary Mark, and Ray Winstone are absolutely superb. But Leo is so good that Vera Farmiga as the world's worst psychiatist (meh) can't even harshen the movie boner buzz that I get from his performance.

Stress, mania, genuine fear, isolation -- and even a brief moment of relief that he feels in the interim between Costello's death and the discovery of Sullivan's double-identity -- all the range of extreme intense emotions are viscerally felt through the screen.

The plot, the characters, the urgency of the film are a direct result of Dicaprio's intensity in the guise of Costigan. Without an adequate and immediate sense of urgency from Costigan, Costello has no menacing qualities except that he walks around with a gun. After all, we don't fear the charismatic until we see fear on the faces of those around him.

There are bad points, or at least less-than-perfect points, to The Departed, but why dwell? It just becomes nit picky. Two years ago I would've said that The Departed isn't even my favorite millennial Scorsese. Last year, I would've said it's not better than IA and besides, Irish people again Marty? Last night., I say bravo, Mr. Scorsese. Bravo, Mr. Dicaprio. Bravo, the whole way around.

Tonight, we reach the end of the long dark road. William Holden's Showcase entry is The Wild Bunch. Stay tuned.

Guest Post: Escape from Fort Bravo from the perspective of She Blogged By Night

2011-04-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

The lovely and talented glitter ninja named Stacia of She Blogged By Night is a great writer and a witness to classic films. (I've used this line before, but it's totally a good one).

Because she's so super-sweet, she has contributed another piece to the Battle: Fathead -- a review on the William Holden western Escape From Fort Bravo.

For the most part, Escape from Fort Bravo is a typical
cowboys-and-Indians Western flick with little more to offer than guys
in sharp blue uniforms battling against a distant, faceless enemy. At
moments it threatens to veer off into something atypical and
interesting but never quite manages it. Despite that, I did find the
film relatively enjoyable, with the time devoted to Union Captain
Roper's (William Holden) labyrinthine emotional defense mechanisms
providing the most substance.

Fort Bravo is a fictitious Civil War-era Union Army fort in Arizona,
located in the middle of desert and Apache land. It's a prisoner of
war camp that holds a few hundred Confederate POWs, guarded by almost
the same number of Union soldiers, the rough terrain providing the
only reason the Confederates haven't revolted and escaped. Well, the
rough terrain and the "deadly Mescalero Indians," who apparently
torture and kill white people just 'cause they can. Captain Roper
says that his main job is to keep the land for the U.S., no matter who
wins the Civil War, and that both the Union and Rebs should take up
arms against the Mescalero Apache. This evil Injun story line is
tiresome, and I would have thought it was tiresome by the time 1953
rolled around, too.

The Captain of the Confederate POWs, John Marsh (John Forsythe), plots
with three other soldiers to escape, and their chance comes in the
unlikely form of Carla Forester (Eleanor Parker). She coincidentally
is both the secret girlfriend of Captain Marsh as well as the friend
of the camp colonel's daughter who is getting married to a Union
soldier, and she arrives ostensibly to help her friend with the
wedding. Her real reason, of course, is to cause a distraction to
keep the hard-ass Captain Roper busy while her boyfriend and his
comrades escape.

Roper has no respect or empathy for anyone, and both the Confederate
prisoners and his Union compatriots dislike and distrust him. When
Carla arrives and uses her wiles to distract him, his humanity starts
to show as he grows to love her. Yet when Marsh and the other
soldiers escape and take Carla with them, the betrayal threatens to
send Roper back to his antisocial ways.

Holden's forte is the handsome, stoic loner, emotionless except for a
temper that is always set to low simmer. Fort Bravo takes
advantage of all these strengths and, though his persona compares
solidly with classic Western actors like Joel McCrae and John Wayne, I
can't help but feel that Holden is a bit misplaced here. Captain
Roper is hated by all, home alone with no company save a servant who
dislikes him and a few roses he forced out of the near-dead soil
behind his cabin. Holden, however, does not easily convey quiet
self-hatred borne from bone-deep weariness. Holden presents as the
type of man to despair, certainly, but always in the company of others
at the bar or in bed.

One of the more interesting elements of Roper's and Carla's romance is
the blatant acknowledgment that Roper desires her as a sexual conquest
more than he does as a lover, partner, or even friend. In other areas
as well, it's hinted that Roper cannot manage deeper emotions, and
it's highly likely that sexual desire and a promise to make Carla's
life as his wife "good" are the best it would ever get with a man who
has so completely shut himself off from emotion and empathy. Carla
hints at deeper character than we see realized on film, a courageous
woman willing to risk her own life for the life of the man -- or men
-- that she loves. But the shoot 'em up Western gets in the way of
anything substantial in Fort Bravo, and while the showcase
showdown at the end with all our main players trapped in a ravine is
exciting, it also quickly becomes a play-by-play of every Western
cliche available: The bravery, the buddies, the evil evil Injuns, the
hero's sacrifice, the coward learning bravery when it really counts,
the Cavalry coming to the rescue at the last minute. Some have
considered Escape from Fort Bravo as director John Sturges'
final move away from "prolific mediocrity," but that would not happen
until Sturges' next film Bad Day at Black Rock.

Quote of the Day S.O.P. Edition

2011-04-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

"This is a mental institution, Marshal. For the criminally insane. Usual isn't a big part of our day."

Nurse Marino -- Shutter Island

The Aviator

2011-04-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

I picked The Aviator to be Scorsese's Oscar. I truly and honestly felt that. Not neccessarily because it's his best film, nor because I felt that people would even like it (truth be told of the 5 best pic noms, The Aviator is the best, but in aught-4 I think that Motorcycle Diaries and Hotel Rwanda are better).

The Aviator is tailor-made to be best picture winner: great performances, lush settings, an epic-feel about a historical oddity/interest.

And every time I've seen it since, it gets better. I notice another nuance, another feature of direction that only enhances The Aviator as truly deserving of a spot in the pantheon of classic Scorseses, if not a classic film.

cocoanut grove

One thing that jumped out at me this time was Scorsese's use of background music. In scenes where Howard Hughes (Dicaprio) interacts in public, there is always the sound of diegetic music, although quite often it is coming from a place outside of the room in which the scene takes place. So it has an eerie echoed and muffled quality to it. Almost as if it is rattling around inside the brain of a man that is only millimeters away from losing his mind.

This also marks Leo's most prestigious film as far as personal awards go. His only Golden Globe win, Leo plays the reclusive ultra-rich Howard Hughes -- a man who was a aeronautics engineer, a filmmaker, a playboy, and a totally (paranoid, maybe schozophrenic, defintiely obsessive-compulsive, somehow social) agoraphobic dude.

Leo is marvelous in this flick, and this is a mighty entry into the Hardware Round of the Battle: Fathead. As he did in Shutter Island, Leo transcends crazy and to rise to the level of charismatic crackpot.

An example, early on in the film, Leo as Hughes is at Cocoanut Grove Night Club talking fast to his press agent Johnny (the douchebag brother from Step Brothers) about getting 2 more cameras because the 24 that he has are just not enough to shoot a gynormous airplane battle scene for Hell's Angels. He is freaky manic crazy at this point, blinking a lot and repeating himself, when a Cigarette Girl (Josie Maran) approaches. Hughes slows down, looks thisgirl in the eye, and woos her in the dirtiest damn way, without being dirty:

Boy, you are just hitting on all six cylinders, aren't you? My God. Would you do me a favor and just? Would you just smile for me one time? Just once? Yeah. Yeah. You see, you got a short upper lip. Makes for a much nicer smile. See, I wonder what gives a beautiful woman like you pleasure. I mean, say you're just standing there, right? And I just touch you. Just... Just like this. With my fingertips. Do you...? Do you like that? Do you? You see, I wanna learn what pleases you. I wanna learn everything about you. Would you let me do that? Would you give me that job?

I mean, when I see this scene, I get wet, and I'm straight and think that Leo is a Fathead.

Of course, Leo is not alone in this film. In fact, he has plenty of awesome damn supporting performances that prop him up. Highlights:

Alan Alda is the brightest spot of this film. In his limited scenes as the smarmy and crooked Senator Brewster, loyalist to his biggest contributor Pan Am CEO Juan Trippe (Alec Baldwin). To watch Alda's first scene, wherein he suggests that he head the committee that will ultimately square him off against Hughes is worth the 165 minute run time.
Cate Blanchett as Hughes' young love interest Kate Hepburn. I don't know how true-to-form Cate's performance of Kate was, but as a person who knows Kate only through celluloid, I was not only content but impressed: though the performance seems to be probably more imitation than immersion.
Bilbo has a small but delightful role as a meteorologist that also serves as an impromptu mathematician with a specialty in mammories.

The ding on Leo in The Aviator, and this could be substantial:

He's fantastic early on, when portraying Hughes as a man in his 20's. As the story goes forward and he interacts with the likes of Baldwin as Trippe, he's supposed to be a man in his 40's but Leo is still a kid in his 20's. So, I start getting the vague recollections of high school theater where you stuff a 16 year old in a gray wig with a false 'stache and tell him he's grandpa.

he's supposed to be like mid-40's here

Doesn't diminish his performance, just breaks the illusion a tad.

We have been through 4 of 5 rounds, and I'd say this is still a close battle. Makes this final round, The Showcase Round, all the more important. Tonight, I visit Leo and Marty again with the actual Scorsese-Oscar winner, The Departed.

Sunset!

2011-04-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

New friend to the couch Barbara has a somewhat unhealthy fixation with William Holden.

I'm all for fixations so long as they're unhealthy.

This tasty nugget that she found on YouTube combines a song from the ALW musical with shots from the movie. The video remix made by emlodik