Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!

Okay, so, I've been like, pondering and stuff.  You know that movie Julie and Julia?  Well, I didn't particularly like it.  I liked the Julia Child stuff okay -- in fact, a lot.  But the other half -- the Julie part. 

ugghh.

Listen, I'm someone who writes a blog, ok?  And, as someone who writes a blog, I can tell you right now that they should not make a movie about me.  I mean, honestly.  People, meaning everyone in the world, do not want to spend two hours of their lives watching the day to day lives of a person that is blogging.  Movies are about people that do extraordinary things in extraordianry ways.  Blogs are about unextraordinary people that like to write snarky comments about extraordinary people.  And I should know: I'm one of them.


Don't get me wrong, I bet Julie is a very nice person.  (maybe) And, what's more, I wish her all of the luck in the world. (not that much luck)  But, her story is about a woman cooking old French recipes and writing about that.  That's not a movie, I don't care if Amy Adams is playing her.

And can I say this right now.  Enough Amy Adams, okay?  (I know!) Bad enough she was my leeeeast favorite cute girl on That 70's Show, but now she has to be in every stinking movie too?  I wish her well and whatever, but Plain Jane needs to go to Broadway and leave the movies for the interesting looking people in this world.  (like Topher and that poor skinny girl that's in the vampire movies)

(see what I mean?  Aren't you much happier that you've read this without seeing all the crazy drama happening around me as I'm writing it?)

Well, anyway, speaking about how good blogging is as a movie, that Julie and Julia movie made me want to start a blog.  I mean, I was all -- yeah, blogging would be so sweet.  Plus there's like book deals and crap.  And, if it's good enough, somebody will make a movie about you writing it and get Amy Adams to play you. (you really think you can get Amy Adams?) 

So, I was all -- this is what you should do Ruben: On Oscar Night, you start a quest to watch every single movie nominated for Best Picture ever, and by Oscar Night 2011 -- assuming that there hasn't been any  major disaster or ecological or biological plague released upon the planet.  All of them.  Right?  Wouldn't that be awesome?

So, I started researching.  Did you know that there were 464 movies nominated for Best Picture.  The wikipedia page takes like 4 minutes to scroll to the bottom of.  That breaks down to (about) one movie a night and 2 every Saturday and Sunday.  huh.  That's kind of a lot, but in this ultimate blog from hell with big monster truck wheels that will get me a book deal and like a movie and stuff, it's really more of a minor investment -- and only an investment of time.  I got lots of that.  And my loyal readers will cheer me on.  So there's that too.

Another interesting fact; the first movie to win Best Picture in 1928 is called Wings.  It was a silent epic about World War I starring . . . . a bunch of people that you never heard of and a young Gary Cooper as Lowell (Gary Cooper was old by 1950).  In fact there's twenty-three years' worth of Best Picture nominees over the course of the period that saw a young Gary Cooper turn into old Gary Cooper.  (that's like a hundred movies, almost three months worth of watching)

And then there's like vacations and other junk.  And I actually hate most of the Best Picture winners.  Plus, you guys don't care about How Green Was My Valley unless it stars Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee on their honeymoon. 

Also, and this is probably the most important thing, I don't think that I can do it.   I mean jeeeesus, that really is commitment.  Let's face it, a blog about 464 best picture nominees would be boring.  I like movies, not the Academy.  Not the industry so much as the product.  Like Disney: you know it's evil (and anti-Semitic), but Disneyland is a damn hoot!!

Okay, so new ideas . . . new ideas.  I think I just want to do little film festivals here and there.  Personal film festivals, like seven days of movies about Pimps, and then blog about the movies.  And that would be awesome because if anybody actually reads my stupid thing, they could like request something.  For example:

One of Ruben's Friends commented...
 I think you should watch 10 days of movies starring couples who are now divorced.  

(this could include the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee honeymoon video)

All right, anyway, I'm trying to think of what my first film festival should be.  Anyone have ideas?  Some things I thought of:

1. A retrospective on movies starring comedians who have turned to dramatic roles and have won Golden Globes but no Oscars (Truman Show, Caddyshack, Precious: from the novel Push by Saphire)
2. An 80's anti-communism Film Festival (Red Dawn, Rocky IV)
3. An artistic series exploring some of Sean Connery's science fiction work
4. A comparison: 4 movies with Eddie murphy Pre-hooker scandal and 4 movies post-hooker scandal

These are just suggestions.  It could be something much better.  then I can put together a list and watch them and then write about them. 

Okay, so that's a mission: I'll announce the topic on Oscar Night and compile a list of movies and then blog about them.

Fun.

Anyway, on to the business at hand: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!.  You know, I was totally disappointed by Attack of the Killer Tomatoes!.  I was actually hoping for something that was more like The Day of the Triffids, where its all trying to be serious and scary but it really is just bad.

But it wasn't.  It was specifically a comedy, like  Scary Movie, but it had tomatoes.  You know it would have been funnier if they would have just taken the whole thing more seriously.

Anyway, I fell asleep maybe about twenty-five minutes in.  I golfed all yesterday and we tried to start the movie at ten which is just a terrible idea anyway because I am seriously down by eleven every night (to my single friends and my friends without kids -- when you push 12:30 over and decide to crack another brewski, pour a little out for the homie that ain't there).

I'm actually really disappointed that I'm disappointed with this movie.  I so wish that it was what I'd hoped it to be.  That feeling is the worst of all the feelings that you get from watching movies.  Like there are some movies where you don't hold out a lot of hope that you'll enjoy it, and whether it impressed you a little or you are reassured that you know you're own movie preferences you never waiver from your initial expectations.

But, there are some times when you really really want a movie to be something (good, cheesy, exciting, whatever), and its not even close.  And not in the sense that it tried and failed, but in the sense that it was made with an entirely, all together wrong sense of direction, and it wasn't what you thought it'd be.  That feeling is the gut punch of the movie watching experience.

I really wanted AOTKT! to be a send up of campy and corny monster movie fun.  I wanted it to be made by a person or a group of people that were trying with all of their might to make it genuinely creepy.  Then, it could be so ridiculous because it was so serious that you could watch it and laugh, and talk and have a glass of wine or a couple of beers, and surf the internet and be totally happy.

Instead, AOTKT! was trying to be Airplane!--and as a comedy it failed.  I'm not one to usually include quality of directing in my reviews because most people wouldn't give a rat's ass, but the bad camera work, bad editing, bad acting, bad lighting, and bad sound did not help the lack of money they probably had to make the movie and it ended up looking like a porno with no naked women.

It was disappointing and poor.  And I'm so disappointed. 

So I fell asleep.  And there's something to be said about a movie that can't keep you awake.